A Persistent Problem

This week’s post isn’t going to be my normal self-assured content, or a handy list of tips and tricks.

Instead, I’d like to dig into a persistent problem in my business (and my career as a whole). Maybe it will resonate with you. Maybe you’ve experienced it, too. And maybe you have some ideas and solutions I haven’t thought about.

After you read this, I’d be very grateful if you’d weigh in and share your perspective. The comments are open below this post, or you can just reply to this email. I’ll do a follow-up post at a later date to share the best insights I receive from all of you. Then we can all benefit.

My problem is going to sound mundane at first. But it’s connected to deeper emotions (as well as longtime beliefs about myself and my business).

I have an unhealthy relationship with my email.

I compulsively check my email throughout the day, every day. Too often on the weekends and in the evenings, too. I open and refresh the app many, many more times than necessary - as if I’m waiting for something unmissable to pop up.

And then when a message lands in my inbox, I respond almost embarrassingly quickly.

I’m ultra responsive. Even when there’s no earthly reason I should be.

While others are caught in an endless TikTok loop or doom scrolling Twitter, I’m held captive by my email. It feels like an unhealthy and unwelcome remnant of my years working in PR agencies.

This feeling began with my very first job at a midsize agency in NYC, where he pressure to be “always on” was intense. Especially for the lowest woman on the totem pole. There was real fear associated with failing to respond immediately to an email. And that feeling wasn’t manufactured in my own brain - it was conditioned into me by the people in power (IYKYK).

This pressure continued into my other agency jobs, and cropped up in some in-house roles too (one team required me to sleep with my phone on my pillow, switched to full volume, while on-call for a crisis response rotation every 6-8 weeks).

I brought this problem with me into my consulting practice 10+ years ago, and now it lives with me every day as I run my current business.

The urge to be constantly responsive.

It’s always there. Like a bad roommate who simply won’t move out.

Sometimes I ask myself: What am I imagining is going to appear in my inbox that’s so critical it cannot wait a few hours?

I know for a fact I am not that important.

At this stage in my career, there’s no rational reason to check my email more than twice a day. Even my high-priority clients can wait a few hours for a response.

And actually… there’s psychology behind making clients wait a little bit for responses. When we train our clients to view us as instantly responsive and always-on, we obliterate our own boundaries. We pave the way for many more months (or years) of stress and anxiety, and we make it easy for clients to take advantage.

I know all this to be true, and I preach this wisdom to other solos. Yet I cannot seem to stop myself from constantly watching my inbox - and jumping to respond.

Earlier today I hosted a consulting chat with my community. We do this every month (it’s one of my favorite recurring events on the calendar). It’s our chance to describe our challenges to fellow solos who truly “get it” - and tap into their collective mindshare. When I brought up this specific problem today, I received some great suggestions:

• Time block email periods during the day, and be disciplined about sticking to them

• Delete or hide the email app on your phone; resolve to check email only from your computer

• Use screen time limits, site blocking apps or a Brick to create more friction

• Keep your phone in a different room of your house so it’s harder to reach

• Schedule your responses to send after a few hours so that no one is receiving responses instantaneously - that way at least you’re not training clients to expect that kind of responsiveness

These are all extremely helpful ideas, and I have attempted to implement some of them over the years.

But candidly, I struggle with holding myself to it. I still feel pulled to reach for my phone or computer. I feel urged to refresh, refresh, refresh.

For me, something deeper is going on.

One of my community members insightfully pointed out that there may be a reason - psychologically speaking - that I reach for my email over and over.

And yep, that makes a lot of sense. As human beings, I know for certain that we don’t do anything repeatedly without a reward.

I can think of two ways in which checking email and hyper-responsiveness has “paid off” for me over the years:

1. I’ve been praised by countless clients, prospects and supervisors on my responsiveness. While it may be unhealthy for me, it’s extremely convenient and comforting for them. I know it’s opened new doors in my career, and made it easier to win / keep more clients. These rewards undeniably reinforce my behavior.

2. I’ve received countless exciting updates in my email over the years. It’s not all doom and gloom in there. Email is where I first get notified of new prospects, client wins, successful client-consultant matches, and happy announcements from beloved colleagues. Part of me knows I’m hitting the “open email” button like a rat in a lab, enthusiastically tapping the lever to get another dose of sugar.

This is the part of the post where I’d usually transition to sharing solutions. Maybe some actionable strategies for your own business, or a few well-packaged takeaways.

But not this time.

I don’t have the answers to this problem. I wish I did.

It’s tough to unlearn 20 years of habit.

I’d like to evolve into the kind of woman who can keep her email in its proper place - opening it a few times a day, and not feeling extreme anxiety during the periods in between. I want to be a solopreneur who is comfortable making my clients and prospects wait a reasonable period of time for a response (thus protecting my peace for the future). I want to be the type of business owner who devotes most of her time to the big, strategic, proactive stuff that will move the needle for my business (vs focusing so much on responding to messages from others).

But I’m just not there yet.

Are you? How are you maintaining a healthy balance when it comes to email and client service?